When It Was Me
by animeaddict2323232
Summary: "I wanted to scream. Seeing him with her made me feel sick to my stomach. What does she have that I don't have?" Spinelli/TJ Songfic Angsty unrequited love oneshot


**Heyyyyy everyone,**

**Disclaimer: I don't own any Recess characters or Paula DeAnda's song**

**X**

**When It Was Me**

**X**

Ashley Spinelli's the name, but if you dare call me Ashley...I'll have to pound you. I'm 16 years old, whoopee...I know you're dying to know all about how I've changed yatta yatta. Luckily for you, I'm not in a bad mood. I've outgrown the two little ponytails I used to have. I leave my shoulder length dark hair down now. I've dropped the ugly orange hat and old black boots, the stripped stockings, but don't get me wrong. I still like wearing dark colors. It's just the way I am...me...simple ole' me. I'm the same old Spinelli, just older.

I know you're _dying_ to know if I'm still friends with the gang. The answer is pretty obvious doncha think? Duh, I'm still friends with them. My pals are still Mikey, Gus, Vince, Gretchen, and Teej. We're all still friends...just not as a tight as we used to be.

High school is really different. First of all, there's no recess...a major change for us. Girls and guys interact all the time...it's not impossible like we used to think; kissing, holding hands, crushes, first loves, not to mention sex.

This may come as surprising, but I've been out on dates before. That doesn't necessarily mean they were entertaining. I've had a countless number of dates and flings, but I've never had any feelings for these guys. They're just toys...useless toys that do not fill voids like cliche high school movies say. As much as I've tried to convince myself otherwise, there's only one guy I want. This guys is different than everyone else. He cares about things...and not to mention, he's hilarious. He only thinks about others and how he can help them. He's selfless...a truly great person. You've probably guessed his name already. I've been best friends with him ever since I can remember._ His _name is TJ Detweiler.

I used to think that he liked me, that we could have developed into something. And I'm not saying I want one of those gushy romances where all we can think about is each other and kissing and shit. I want something real...something special. And I know I can have that with him. He's the realest person I know...and he's already my best friend. I wouldn't mind going down to pond at midnight, skipping stones with Teej and stealing little kisses. Cheesy no? Yeah, I'm not sure when I turned into such a girl.

Like I said before, I thought he liked me. We flirted with each other casually...hung out on weekends just by ourselves, but we never went any farther than that. Part of me thinks he wasn't sure what I was feeling...I mean hell, I didn't even know what I was feeling. I was young then. This is now. I'm older and I know what I want. I want TJ...and I don't care about the possibility of ruining our friendship. I'm pretty confident that we can do anything...

But it doesn't even matter anymore. I'm not really sure why I still contemplate my feelings for him when he has a girlfriend; a girlfriend who drives me absolutely insane. She's superficial and she only cares about herself. She is the complete opposite of him so what does he see in her? She's an annoying brat...a bitch...not to mention, blonde.

Ashley Armbruster.

_She's got brown eyes_

_And she's 5'5_

_Long blonde hair all down her back_

_Cadillac truck_

_So the hell what's so special about that?_

They've been dating for over a year now. It was obvious to the status quo that TJ and Ashley should be together. I mean, he is the quarterback of the varsity football team while she's the head cheerleader. Match made in heaven, right? Bullshit. Why does there always have to be a social stereotype of the football player going out with the cheerleader? It's a total cliche. Remember when I said the gang was tight? Well, in general, we are...but ever since they started dating, I've avoided hanging out with the gang. Whenever TJ is around, Ashley A is right behind him. She makes me sick, going gaga over TJ all the time. What does he see in her anyways? She's an _Ashley_ for Christ's sake.

_She used to model,_

_She's done some acting_

_So she weighs a buck o' 5_

_And I guess that she's alright, if perfection what you like_

It really pisses me off that Ashley is so successful. She's a bitch, but hey, when you're rich, no one gives a shit about personality. She has her own group...filled with the Ashleys..even some girls who were pathetic enough to change their name to be in the group. She's the head of the student council, head cheerleader, she has a modeling contract with Abercombie and Fitch. Hell, she's filmed commercials before. Even though it seems like Ashley is Miss Perfect, she's anything but.

Gretchen keeps telling me to keep my cool, but instead I just avoid everyone in the gang . I know it's not the right thing to do, more like the easiest thing to do, and that I should confront TJ and tell him how I feel, but remember that only happens in movies. Including the so called happy ending. If I want to do something about my feelings for Teej, I will...give me time. I'll find my moment.

_And I'm not jealous, no I'm not_

_I just want everything she's got_

_You look at her so amazed,_

_I remember way back then you used to look at me that way_

I hate Ashley with a_ passion_. She's just so freakin perfect. Well, she acts that way at least. Oh look at me. I'm just an angel...a princess too. I'm going to rule the world someday with all the money Daddy gives me. With Theodore by my side, we'll be the cutest couple that ever lived. Hehehehe.

Can it, bitch.

Yeah, she's annoying. I think we all get the picture. That doesn't mean that I'm not jealous of her...and the effect she has on TJ. Ashley has everything going for her. She has friends, the school adores her, her grades are superb, she's pretty, and she has the best guy in the entire planet,TJ. Compare that to me. I have only five friends that I barely talk to anymore, the school chooses to ignore me, my grades are horrendous, and I'm alone...and broken because the guy that I'm in love with doesn't love me.

That's it. I said it, get over it. I'm in love with my best friend, my neighbor...TJ. How could I not be? As much as I love him, I can't help but hate him at the same time. He not only doesn't return his feelings for me, but out of every girl he could've chosen..he chose Ashley A. That really bothers me. At the beginning of my freshman year, TJ told me he couldn't stand her because she was constantly flirting with him aggressively. What the hell happened then Teej, you lying hypocrite? Did you just magically forget she's an Ashley? I pointed this very fact out to Gretchen who then reminded me that I'm an Ashley. Thanks for reminding me, Gretch.

_Tell Me, What makes her so much better than me?_

_What makes her just everything I can never be?_

_What makes her your every dream and fantasy?_

_Because I can't remember when it was me_

If you want complete honesty, my friends don't like her either, but they do a good job of pretending to...for TJ's sake. TJ was, after all, what kept us together or else the gang would fall apart completely thanks to the pressures of high school. Gretchen would hang out with the mathletes, Gus with the nobodies, Mikey with the drama club, and TJ with the popular crowd along with Vince. Me? I would be on my own. No one would take me in. I wouldn't fit in, and for that...I owe him everything.

Don't get me wrong. It must be fun I guess to be popular. Actually...I wouldn't know. I've never been popular. I mean, back in the day when I was really young, I was well-liked because I hung out with TJ. Other than that, I know nothing about popularity and the perks...I can guess the negatives though...

Maybe I should give up my fantasy that Teej will ever love me. He's popular and I'm just the skater trash that no on cares about. He deserves to be with a popular girl whose peppy and really girly...not to mention, beautiful. Maybe I should be more like Ashley A. I could change my looks. I could make myself a plastic barbie if that's what he wanted. I could make an effort for once to be outgoing towards people...be everyone's beast friend...the school's angel. I could do cheerleading and try to make nice nice with his annoying popular friends.

No, I couldn't change myself...I always going to be the same old me.

Besides, who wants to be popular? Exactly like everyone else? Wouldn't you rather be unique...one of a kind. Right? I guess I just don't know anymore...

Dammit! What does TJ see in her? Especially when I'm here...

_And now you don't feel the same_

_I remember you would shiver every time I said your name_

_You said nothing felt as good as when you gazed into my eyes_

_Now you don't care I'm alive_

_Why did we let the fire die?_

I've barely spoken a few words to TJ ever since he started dating Ashley A. I don't know…I just couldn't find the courage to talk to him. It was embarrassing to see him and know he didn't pick me...have any interest in me. It hurt too much knowing Ashley A. was holding him, kissing him...instead of me. TJ hasn't even tried to talk to me...make an effort to just hang out with me one on one. He doesn't care, does he...I mean I know that he didn't love me romantically, but he was still my best friend. Friends care about each other.

I used to think...well that he liked me. We would always goof around and hang out with each other...more than the others because we practically were over at each other's house everyday. Vince even said we'd be together one day. The entire gang agreed. I just blushed and mumbled something about how that never was going to happen.

Obviously...I was right.

_And I'm not jealous, no I'm not_

_I just want everything she's got_

_You look at her so amazed_

_I remember way back then you used to look at me that way_

Why did I have to love the guy? Why? Couldn't I have fallen for Mikey or Gus or Vince? At least they would have let me down easy. At least, I wouldn't have had to compete with every beautiful girl in the area. TJ doesn't even know I exist anymore with all of the social pressures and his new girlfriend. He doesn't care about me. I'm just some old memory from his past.

I could be different...for him. I would try...But it wouldn't be right if TJ liked me more than a friend because I changed completely. It wouldn't be me...therefore I wouldn't be happy...the relationship would be incomplete. The question is why doesn't he like me now? Or even acknowledge that I'm living? I guess he's too caught up in his little popularity world. With Ashley A.

As I pondered all of these thoughts, I continued to walk down the school hallway, avoiding everyone's looks. I bobbed my head up and down to the loud metal music I was listening to from my skull candy headphones. Finally looking up, I looked ahead of me and winced with cold bitterness. TJ and Ashley A were making there way towards me. Shit.

_Oh, What makes her so much better than me?_

_What makes her just everything I can never be?_

_What makes her your every dream and fantasy?_

_Because I can't remember when it was me_

As much as I wanted to turn around and walk in the opposite direction, I couldn't look away from the scene before me. TJ and Ashley were walking hand and hand down the hall, laughing about something TJ just said. Ashley smiled with triumph when TJ whispered something softly in her ear. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. Ashley A reached for TJ's red cap and placed in backwards on her head. How dare Teej let her wear his hat...he never lets anyone where his hat. The only other person he let wear his hat was me...a year ago. We were watching a movie in his bedroom, joking around about something hysterical that Swinger Girl said the other day.

Did TJ think Ashley A looked better in his hat? Because she was blonde and skinny and just overly pretty? Now, you're being paranoid, Spinelli ole girl.

Realizing that they were getting even closer to her, I walked towards the empty classroom ahead of me. I hoped to avoid Ashley and TJ again for the hundredth time. Unfortunately, my footsteps were noisy...not to mention music was blasting out of her headphones loudly. It was easy to catch me. I can't believe I wasn't quicker about it...or that I thought I could avoid him when he was heading straight towards me.

"Hey Spinelli, long time no see," TJ said with his trademark smile. It was boyish and cute smile, normal for him. He was wearing a black sports jacket and a plain white T-shirt underneath. Jeans were placed on his legs and sneakers on his feet. Next to him, Ashley was looking gorgeous as always in a red Ella Moss dress with gold sandals and TJ's hat placed on her head. I, the complete opposite of Ashley, was wearing a purple halter top with black skinny jeans. A black torn jean jacket was placed over my purple shirt. My headphones were over my ears. His comment angered me more than I though it would. Biting my tongue, I refrained from saying anything nasty. I shot him a faint smile. TJ looked genuinely confused that I didn't say hi to him or his smirking girlfriend.

He turned around and called out, "Spin?" I kept my head up high and kept walking. I was afraid that if I looked back, TJ's smoldering gaze would make me walk back towards him and hug him, letting him know that everything was okay.

_I made you smile_

_I made you laugh_

_Me that made you happier than you have ever been_

_I was your world_

_Your perfect girl_

_Nothing about me has changed, that's why I'm here wondering_

_What makes her so much better than me?_

_What makes her just everything, I can never be?_

_What makes her your every dream and fantasy?_

_Because I can't remember when it was…_

I could feel the footsteps coming rapidly from behind me. I ignored them and kept walking, pushing myself to walk quicker. Suddenly, I felt a hand grab my shoulder gently. I tried to shrug it off, but instead, I felt someone turn me around.

"What the fu-

I watched as he placed his finger against my lips, silencing me completely. TJ was standing before me, holding my shoulder with a tight grip. He was gazing at me intensely, his brown orbs searching mine. He scanned my face for hints of emotions, but he found nothing. I just stared at him, emotionless, trying my hardest to conceal my hurt and anger towards him...not to mention my frustration. It was all just becoming too much.

I took my headphones off and paused my music. "What?" I snapped at him, impatiently, raising one eyebrow.

"Is everything okay?" He asked me with sincerity I realized his hand was still on my shoulder. "We haven't spoken in forever."

"Really? I hadn't noticed," I said dryly before saying, "I'm peachy, Teej." I looked at him with saddened eyes, but said nothing else. I started to turn and walk away, but TJ wouldn't let me leave.

"What's wrong Spinelli?" TJ asked me, his voice was strained with worry. I tried to come up with a little white lie, to avoid telling him the truth. Nothing came to mind. Before I could stop myself, I blurted out something regrettable.

"Am I special?" I demanded. Don't cry. Whatever you do, don't cry.

"Of course you are Spin...you know you mean a lot to me," TJ said, gently, looking into my eyes. "Where is all this coming from?"

I ignored his second comment. "Not special enough though, right Teej?"

"Spinelli. What the hell is happening?"

I shook me head with bitterness. "You don't get to ask me questions, anymore. You lost that privilege a year ago," I snapped at him.

"Spin-

He reached for me, but I took a few steps back. "No, don't do this to me, Teej. Not again. You never cared...cared enough to ask me how I was doing or if we wanted to hang out sometime when she came along. She replaced me, TJ, face it."

"I'm sorry that you-

"Sorry? You want to know how it feels to be sorry? Where were you when I stopped talking to Gretchen? When I decided to stop trying in school? Where were you...where were you when my parents got divorced?" My voice shook as her eyes welled with tears. I will not cry. His expression changed from confusion to pure shock and then slowly to guilt

"Look Spin, I know I haven't been there and I'm sorry. Let me make it up to you." He reached towards me once again, but I moved back a few steps to keep the distance between us.

"You weren't there for me, Teej..when I needed you the most. I needed you...and you weren't there. And that's when I realized how much I depended on you, how weak I was. It whomps, TJ. It really whomps," I choked on my suppressed sobs and crossed my arms over my chest, putting back that cool exterior between the two of us.

He stuffed his hands in his pockets and looked at her solemnly. "What can I do to make it up to you?"

I wanted to scream at him to go away, to run back to his blonde girlfriend, but I couldn't do it. Watching him made me lose some of my edge. I needed to get out of her before I crumbled. I needed to get out of her before I told him the truth, that I loved him.

"I need my space, Teej. For a while...I need to learn how to stand on my own and to stop being so dependent on you. I get it. You can't be everyone's knight in shinning armor that can pick up the pieces," I heard my voice quiet towards the end. Embarrassed, I put my head down, unwilling to look him in the eye.

"Spinelli, are you...are you asking me to stop being your friend?"

_What makes her so much better than me?_

_What makes her just everything I can never be?_

_What makes her your every dream and fantasy?_

_Because I can't remember when it was me_

I wanted to say yes, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I didn't want to stop being friends with him. I didn't want to stop being dependent on him. I wanted to want him. "I think you should go now," I said evenly, regaining my voice. I didn't pick my head up until I heard the distinct sound of his sneakers scuffing against the hardwood floor. Picking my head up, I pressed my head against the locker and slid down until I hit the ground. I threw my face into my hands, not caring who saw me.

I wanted him to turn around. I wanted him to tell me that he wouldn't give up on me, that he wouldn't stop until our friendship was patched up. That was the Teej I knew, the TJ I loved. I picked my head up again and looked around for his familiar grin.

I was met with an empty hallway, filled with silence.

_When it was me_

**X**

**Review!**

**I've done some editing! Unfortunately, this is just a oneshot unless I fix it with a TJ perspective...**

**We shall see what the future brings. **

**Anime**


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